This post is for yesterday- day five.
I have a love/hate relationship with technology. Sometimes its a welcome addition to my life- I mean, I don’t know what I’d do without my iPod and having access to all of my music with one little device. But sometimes, I loathe the seemingly endless access to technology I have and wish I could rewind time- be back in an age where it was all so much simpler.
Most days I can be pretty strong and confident about everything that’s going on with me health wise. But this past weekend and Monday especially, I was feeling down about it all- beating myself up about everything- questioning everything- fearing everything- and it led me to doing a lot of googling about what could actually be wrong with me. Yeah, I did one of the worst things you can do when you’re upset and worried about your health. I read articles and articles about symptoms, cures, effects, body changes, detoxing. I looked at pictures and read stories from people who are going through similar things I am. Basically- I freaked myself out more than I was already freaking out.
The panic and stress that ensued made me want levitate back home and hide away from everyone. I remember pulling at my shirt to hide my recent weight gain and water retention. I remember staring at my reflection in every glass window front I walked by and being so angry and upset with what I saw. I remember looking at my chubby cheeks in the camera of my phone- feeling embarrassed. I felt all around mortified to be the person in the skin I was seeing.
One of the straps on my backpack was dangling down, hitting the back of my arm, and I remember holding on to it so tight- clenching my left fist around it- looking for something to ground me. I was holding onto it for dear life while I pictured all the things I fear- having something seriously wrong with me, gaining more weight, having to explain to people my situation, losing my title as a healthy eating specialist because I can’t even figure out what’s going on with me, losing the respect of peers, losing the love of friends and family, completely and utterly hating myself. Some of those fears are valid, some aren’t, but they’re all still fears that run through my brain.
I know in my heart of hearts that my body is doing the best it can. And I know I’m doing the best I can. I’m troubleshooting this thing and am so invested in healing and fixing what’s wrong. I might not have found the ultimate “solution,” but I know I’m at least making positive changes to get to the root of the issue.
But still, man. It gets exhausting fighting and sometimes- I just break. Like I did Monday.
I finally forced myself to put my phone away so I could stop reading things that were only upsetting me further.I cried the entire way walking to work behind my sunglasses while listening to Sufjan Stevens- his newest album. I was thankful for technology in the form of my iPod in that moment. Music has a way of saving me- or at least, giving me music that fits my current emotional state and makes me feel less crazy. That album, Carrie and Lowell, if any of you know it- man its a heavy one.
Because I have the greatest boyfriend in the world, I was able to see Sufjan Stevens in concert last night- and there was no technology in between us this time. Just a lot of emotions spilling out of me as I listened to him pour his heart out into his music. Again, it made me feel less crazy and alone.I think this is the most rambly post I’ve written in a long time. But that’s just where my head is at these days- overemotional and all over the place.
Keep it wicked healthy.