I used to be frantic all the time. It was a feeling that I couldn’t escape. It came with under eating, not taking care of myself, and taking calorie counting too far. I was always worried about my next meal. I was always worried that a craving would strike or God forbid I feel hungry before I had planned on eating something. I wasn’t getting enough fat and carbs and food in general to sustain a happy life.
I couldn’t think about very many things and my mind was a crazy place. I couldn’t focus. And I certainly couldn’t enjoy life. I couldn’t sit in deep contemplation (in fact, I barely let myself sit at all) and I had hardly any creative energy. It was sad. I was sad. It’s not often that I think of those dark days. I hate remembering that that was my life. I hate thinking back to that fear and anxiety that was unlike anything else. It is uncomfortable and scary to think that I let myself get that way. I really let myself get to that place? How did that even happen? I hardly ever feel frantic now- and when I do I have terrifying flashbacks to my former self.
Funny thing is, for the longest time, I didn’t think that anything was wrong. I thought that was just my new state of being. Frantic. I saw it as a small price to pay for being skinny.
On days like today– where the sun is shining, there are flowers everywhere, I can hear the birds, and I can see it all– days where I can’t open my eyes wide enough to take in how beautiful life is- I think back on those days. Those messy frantic days where I let the world pass me by and missed so much.
I think back to them and feel so lucky to be where I am today. I’m one of those happy people I used to pass by and wish I could swap lives with.
On days like today– I feel blessed. I find it impossible not to be kind to myself or to love me for everything I am and that I do. Because I’m the one who got me here. I got myself this place and I created this life.
Things will never be perfect.
But on easy gorgeous days like today, its amazing to reflect on where I’ve come from, reject all of the flaws and issues, and embrace this absolutely wonderful life and my absolutely wonderful self.
It’s all been worth it.
Keep it wicked healthy xoxo