Real Life Friday: Exhausted and Excited

sleepycatI feel like I may have said this on my blog before, but whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed and overtired, I often exclaim, gahd I just wish I could be a cat. Hear me out: all they do is, lounge around, nap, play, eat, have mini adventures, and then do it all over again. That’s it. Life would be so much easier if I was a cat. I’ve rationalized this like a bajillion times to Will. Who wouldn’t want a cat girlfriend?! How fun would that be?! {probably not fun at all and most likely just really really really sad/pathetic… but I digress}

I had one of my I just wish I could be a cat tantrums yesterday. I just felt so dead. I think what’s weighing me down the most is the weather. I ran six miles yesterday- and they were fine in all other aspects except for the fact that my fingers were painfully numb underneath my gloves. And the freezing wind just felt so brutal. When I got back home, instead of feeling invigorated and ready to take on the day, I just felt cold, exhausted, and like I had just used any mental capacity I had for the day ahead on getting through that run. Maybe that all sounds dramatic- but that’s how I felt.

Winter is really taking its toll on me. And I know I’m not the only one. It makes me feel weak and frustrated and just all around more tired than usual.

I’ve been fed up with it all for quite some time but this week it really hit me hard. I was so irrationally angry about the weather and the fact that I couldn’t change it. I should have just moved on and focused on more important things but I couldn’t displace my rage.

AND like I needed another mental stressor to throw me off big time… since uping my mileage and running more- I’ve been like crazy hungry all the time. I’ve been finding myself needing to eat more and more often or else I turn into a mad woman. I was told this is totally normal and that I need to listen to my body and just give it what its asking for. And I have been. But its hard man. It still really freaks me out to eat more than I’m used to and my fears of getting fat and gaining weight hangout in the background of my brain. Most of the time I’m thoroughly convinced that I’m just gaining everything back that I lost and mindlessly destroying all the good things I did for my body.

I know that’s absolute insane talk and if I were to put on paper the things I ate every day- everyone, including myself, would see the eating lifestyle of a really healthy young adult. No questions asked. But I also know its totally understandable why I have these fears of weight gain and why I’m stressed about being overweight and eating too much.

It literally dumbfounds me how, on the same day where I run ten flipping miles, I later on find myself crying because I feel lazy and fat and disgusting and bad about myself. Like WHAT. How is that a thing. How is that possible.

Ugh. Double Ugh. Triple- Quadruple UGH.

I don’t even want to keep talking about the voices of Ed lingering and all that mental headcase drama because honestly, its obnoxiously hollowing and stressful and I just can’t even give it more attention here than I already have.

SO all that + more snow + my work schedule being thrown off + having a best friend come into the city and then leave  (and not knowing when I’ll see her again) + feelings of homesickness compounded by my fear of missing out on the lives of my family members + being wicked busy at work + a lot of miles (in and off the treadmill) + nights with less than ideal sleep + a lot of unexpected little things coming at me = a girl that wishes she could just be a cat– not permanently- but just for like a week or so. Until I fully recover.

Hopefully I didn’t just exhaust you all with that rant. I know you don’t need that. But I had to unload a little bit.P1030858

On a positive note- because I swear there is still positivity in me– life could be so much worse. I have a job I love, an apartment I adore, a boyfriend who is pretty fantastic, friends who are great, a family that is kind and understanding and supportive, and good food. And legs that let me run upwards of twenty miles in a week.

And I made cornbread. Relatively healthy cornbread too.

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I made it solely for this black bean and cornbread panzanella salad– which you’re supposed to use leftover cornbread for. Whatever- I made it fresh, it’s fine. If you’re looking for a lunch that feels more like spring/summer but is still comforting like fall/winter- this is the salad for you. Bread salads. It sounds like a paradox or something (I know that’s not the right word there).

But now there is actually leftover cornbread on my counter. I’ve been halving the slices and putting dark chocolate peanut butter on it as a slight dessert. Guilty as charged.

Outside of food, but also totally revolving food, for work this weekend on Saturday I’m attending the DC Brewer’s Ball at the National Building Museum which I’m AMPED about. Craft beers and amazing food?! Yes. And then Sunday, my friend is having a birthday brunch at the Blue Jacket Brewery. Apparently this weekend is all about the beer?

And twelve miles tomorrow. EEK. I’d be lying if I were to say that I wasn’t terrified about the run I have planned for tomorrow. I’ve never run that far. Ever.

At least it will be FIFTY SOMETHING DEGREES. Thank the Lord above. When I saw the weather report, I just felt so lucky. This weekend and then the beginning of next week are going to bring warm/mild temperatures and I’ve never been more excited.

I’ve said to a bunch of people already, I feel like the cherry blossoms this year are going to make me cry. THAT’S how ready for spring and over winter I am. I have a feeling that I am going to appreciate the crap out of those little pink buds- more than I ever have before.

There you have it. I’m tired but now that I’m at the end of a long, long week- I’m excited for all the good stuff ahead. Even if I feel like I could sleep for eternity.

And I still slightly just want to be a cat.

Keep it wicked healthy xoxo

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2 thoughts on “Real Life Friday: Exhausted and Excited

  1. It’s getting a little warmer this weekend here too wooooo! I’m going to try to run outside if the stupid snow melts…I totally see what you’re saying about the weather. It’s so frustrating and turns me into an angry woman – my tolerance is so low for BS in the winter that the littlest things set me off. And thanks for opening up about Ed again – I know that’s really hard. It’s a terrible cycle of happiness from running and despair when you eat to much and then shame because you know your thinking is “stupid”. That’s not something anyone should deal with alone. Keep these posts coming if it helps you!

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