Rainy Day Stream of Consciousness

what am I always waiting for exactly? I feel like I’m always waiting on something- there’s something I’m anxious about- something I need to plan for or prepare for. like right now. the clock is ticking away and I feel the need to take every second and jam it full of stuff- never stop being productive- never stop moving forward.

I wish I was better at embracing the ordinary. and I wish I could let the thought that life is happening right now– all of it- glory/beauty/wonderfulness- right now really sink into my brain. there’s nothing to wait for. the moments of the moment are worth living to their fullest. these very seconds are what I should be cherishing. right? that’s what they say, isn’t it?

I shouldn’t be chasing the future constantly and wishing myself away further down the line where the grass looks greener.

my life is good. I’m a good person. and I don’t know how many reminders it will take for me to remember these facts. I don’t know how many positive moments it will take to erase my doubts and fears. maybe I’m just being so heavy and emotional because of the rain. the rain always makes me mopey and weird.

stop it, allison. stop thinking about your weight. there are far more important things and that has nothing to do with who you are. paying so much attention to your looks is shallow and stupid and pointless. don’t compare yourself to anyone else. stop. you’re GREAT at living YOUR life and making choices that are good for YOU. you have nothing to feel guilty about. you have nothing to be hard on yourself about. yes. we can all always do better. but you’re always doing your best so you really don’t need to be concerned. you’re always getting better. you’re a work in progress. just like everyone else.

yep. your work pants are tighter than they have been in the past. that’s because you gained weight on purpose and you are healthier than you’ve ever been. so deal with it. it’s a good thing. you can buy new pants. these ones clearly don’t fit you properly anymore. no- no- no- don’t fall into self-blame and guilt. stop. hush.

remember that time last night when that girl said she was jealous of your strong crow pose? that happened. so also, hey, remember that time when you were too malrourished and weak to do crow? yeah you used to be that way. so check yourself, allison. you’ve grown. and you’re in an amazing place.

remember that time you ran basically seven miles for the first time this week non-stop? okay COOL. again, stop talking down to yourself so much and acting like you’re a failure. you’re so far from that and I wish you would just stop thinking that. now and forever.

there’s going to be no sun for the next handful of days and I really don’t want this to get the best of me. I can’t let it get the best of me. I cannot, however, turn to retail therapy to soothe my soul. I can’t afford it first of all, but lord knows buying an absurd amount of albums on iTunes and big sweaters somewhere downtown and new red sox swag won’t make me happy.

I still want those things though. not going to lie.

hopefully I’ll get the retail therapy bug out of my system when I go grocery shopping tomorrow. part of the reason grocery shopping rocks is that you get to spend money- but it’s on food which you need so you don’t have to feel bad. it’s necessary shopping. and I have BIG plans to buy some delicious things tomorrow at trader joes. I wish the pumpkin waffles were already in my freezer. don’t even get me started on the cheeses I’m buying in order to make my first ever cheese board on saturday for will and I. stupidly excited about this. I have issues. I’m okay with it.

I need to stop eating such high quantities of eggplant and tomatoes and potatoes and peppers. I think I have a nightshade sensitivity issue but am in denial of it because I love those foods too much. I can still eat them. Just not in bulk. But I love eating them in bulk. Just like I learned not to consume Cheetos in bulk though, I need to learn not consume these things in bulk.

things in the back of my head that I don’t necessarily have sentences for- but that are just lurking in there: congress being stressful, the shutdown, the red sox, the ALCS, the world series, going home to massachusetts next weekend, working this weekend, the holidays, the weather, experimenting making cookies with avocado, figuring out my crazy schedule, my checking account, my student loans, the potential cancellation of keeping up with the kardashians, wanting/needing to see that new JFK movie, and don jon, watching late night with jimmy fallon from last night where he had alan rickman on, trying to find fresh cranberries so I can eat all of them, hard apple cider, and halloween costumes.

Keep it wicked healthy xoxo

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2 thoughts on “Rainy Day Stream of Consciousness

  1. Hi Allison sorry I haven’t been on top of this reply I wanted to do it the other day (Friday) but was so busy with life. You are amazing! I think that this introspective blog so simply beautiful and a testament to the strong but yet vulnerable person you are. Embrace yourself for me Be proud of all you’ve accomplished. I am so very proud of you! Hopefully that win last night put a huge smile on your face; remember life is good! Love you!

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