day twenty four {reflection}

DISCLAIMER: I’m apologizing for the lack of photos in this post- totally defeating the whole “photo focus” of this little “blog break” I’ve embarked on. But I needed to write this one out for my own mental sanity. My blog my rules though, right? Right. #sorryimnotsorry

Reflection is important. It’s something I do often. It’s a tool I use to make myself feel better and to realize in what ways I’ve grown or become stronger. It’s also a tool that I use to think about ways that I can do things better and areas of my life that still need some work. I’m an over thinker so for me, reflection is a part of my every day life. I’m always assessing, recalculating, and analyzing.

Reflection was a big part of my day today and yesterday. I found myself looking to the past grasping at good truths about my life to prevent myself from heading into a downward spiral of self-disgust. These have been days where nothing I do is right. And if we’re being real, and I always am being real, I feel fat and gross and unhappy with myself. The truths I tried to remind myself of and reflect upon were in regards to all of the positive changes I’ve brought into my life since this time last year. There has been a lot of them. And I tend to forget each and every single one on bad days.

Reflection was what I used today and yesterday to combat my internal monologue. It is what I used to drown out the doubting and negative commentary flooding my brain.

Yes. You weigh more than you did six months ago- but you gained weight intentionally and you’re actually a living, breathing, fully functional human being now. You don’t restrict yourself anymore on a regular basis and you feel good about your food choices. Your relationship with food and exercise has improved dramatically and this has allowed you to accomplish great things in the realms of academia, your professional life, and in the world of fitness. Russia trip? Increased work responsibility? Goruck Nasty? None of those things would have been possible without the changes you knew you needed to make and made. 

On Sunday I threw away my scale. Literally. I walked to a trash can in the city with Will and threw away my perfectly good scale. I don’t need it anymore. And I didn’t want to bestow it upon anyone else. I bought it when I was losing weight to chart my progress and it slowly became a way to torture myself and dictate my days. It was this time last year that I said I was going to stop calorie counting and that I was going to stop weighing myself. It was in a post I made about “September Goals.” 365 days later, I think I’m finally there. When I was writing those September goals in 2012, I didn’t realize they would truly come to fruition in September 2013. But it’s been a year, and I think I’ve made it. That is success. And despite feeling like crap for no reason- there’s no way of denying that I’m happier and healthier today than I was a year ago.

{Side note: look how much has changed from that post I reference to from September of last year! What the hell was I eating for breakfast?! The answer- hardly anything. There is no protein in that meal and hardly any fat. I was living off of fruit. I thought I was being so healthy when clearly I wasn’t fueling myself properly at all. You can tell how calorie focused I was then versus how nutrition focused I am now. I can tell you right now, there was probably 2 tsp. of peanut butter on that HALF of a sandwich thin. And I can tell you- I felt GUILTY about it. Like what?! If there isn’t a full 2 tbl. of fats, a solid amount of carbs, and a source of protein in my breakfasts now I like go into a conniption fit.

My fitness level has clearly improved and my love for fitness has truly developed. I don’t need to make exercise appointments anymore. Going to the gym and trying new workouts on my own and pushing myself to do more is something I just do. I still write them in my calendar but more so to help me figure out my life logistically.

Also- look at what hasn’t changed. Things I still need to work on? Patience and more love}

Reflection reminds me of how sad and unhappy I was because of food, exercise, and my weight. Reflection reminds me of how much more compassion and love and patience I have been able to find for myself. I still have a long way to go, but things are so much better.

Reflection is an interesting thing.

Reflection didn’t come to me in yoga yesterday. I wanted to go to spin but knew my body needed a break so I went to yoga instead- hoping to find some peace and listen to my body’s craving for an active rest day vs. intense physical activity. It didn’t happen in yoga, but it happened as I laid in bed before sleep. It was like I was able to see everything and take in where I’m at in life and be content. It’s rare that I have these moments. But last night I did and I slept like a baby. Which is also rare.

Reflection: do it and do it often.

Along the lines of reflection, before I go, I have to give a HAPPY BIRTHDAY shout-out to my step-dad, Kevin! Whenever it’s a member of my family’s birthday, it’s really easy for me to look back on how much of an impact that person has had on my life and remember all the sweet memories I have that involve them.

He’s been an amazing father to me and I love him to death. He’s one of the funniest people in my life. His comic relief and sense of humor are something I miss on a regular basis. I went through some old pictures to find a few to put on here and THAT reflection– being reminded of some good times- made me crack up laughing.

kevin1

Thanksgiving of years ago- but me, my sister, and Kevin look so happy! It was a good day.

kevin2

anddd this is Kevin pretending to be John McCain. spot on impression, no?

kevin3

and this is him on Easter when he decided that as a family, we should have alter ego names for the day on our red solo cups and he went with “Chad.”

LASTLY- this video is from FIVE YEARS AGO but here is him singing Don’t Cha on our new Karaoke machine on Christmas Day. GAHD. I love my family more than anything.

Happy Birthday, Kevin 🙂 I miss you and love you so much. I hope you had an amazingly relaxing day full of no baloney. Youda man.

Keep it wicked healthy xoxo

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “day twenty four {reflection}

  1. Love this post! I’m in a body image funk and have refused to step on the scale in weeks. I know I’ve gained weight and I’m not avoiding the scale because of fear. I’m avoiding it because I don’t want that number that lights up to affect my mood, my day, my week. Baby steps.

  2. this post…THIS POST. gah, girl seriously you never fail to strike a nerve with me in the best way. i’m playing catchup on posts as i had a busy day yesterday so i’m just reading it now. honestly, so much of this is exactly what has been rolling around in my brain for a few weeks now and as usual, i wish that i was in dc/wish that when i was we’d hung out more because i seriously feel like you just get it. i know we have awful days where we feel like crap (enter, for me, the month of august/first half of september) but we also know that those are completely irrelevant feelings that really have nothing to do with our level of health. you inspire me daily with your passion for fitness, eating healthy whole foods (and enough of them more importantly!) and balancing all of that with work and will. i hope you know how amazed i am by you (this sounds a bit creepy – sorry) because it’s all due to things that you wouldn’t have done/couldn’t be doing a year ago when you weren’t in such a good place. sometimes i think it’s okay to sit with your thoughts once in a while, even if they’re negative, because it reminds you how much you’ve changed and how much better life is now. okay enough, but…THIS POST. yes.

    • I really really really wish we got to spend more time together too. We’d definitely help keep each other on our toes and our heads out of those scary places. Thank GAHD for technology and its ability to bridge the gap between DC and Texas though, am I right? But really, thank you so much for all of the nice things that you said about me. I take them to heart and they mean a lot- seriously girl. I love reading your blog and your thoughts because they too are always honest and show the personal successes you’ve achieved . It’s so nice reading about someone’s life who is so similar to yourself and having them be relatable. I’m glad I can be that person for you as well. ANYWAY. Thank you. Again. It’s crazy how easy it is to feel like you’re all alone in this mess and then you realize how far from the truth that really is.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s