I have no reason to be in an awful mood. But I am. It’s just one of those days. One that you can’t really plan for or anticipate. It’s just one of those days where even though everything is okay- I just feel like its not. That makes sense, right? I’m going through my usual motions and pushing through all the weirdness I’m feeling- hoping that everything will just even out and settle down in my brain sometime soon.
I woke up this morning and really didn’t want to get out of bed. Not because I was severely sleep deprived or anything but I was just so comfortable. I had trouble falling asleep last night so when I woke up in my bed feeling like I was in the coziest room and bed that ever existed on earth- it was hard to pull myself away. But I got up to get ready for work.
A delicious breakfast mess (but with strawberries instead of blueberries this time) and gorgeous weather made getting the day started a lot easier. Not peachy keen and beautiful by any means- but easier. I even stood on my balcony for a few minutes to wake up before putting my contacts in.
Um can you say early fall weather this morning? It was in the fifties and breezy AND there was no humidity. What the what! All I wanted to do was go for a run- but alas- having to be at work at 7am sort of prevented me from doing this. I glared enviously at everyone I passed exercising outside on my way to work.
Since being at work- all I have felt is major anxiety- stress- worry- judgement. It didn’t take long for me to sink into this mindset where I compare myself to everyone around me instead of just thinking about myself and my needs. I keep thinking about things that I have no control over. I keep thinking about the future, things I want, things I’m in the process of, and things that I just don’t want to be patient about any longer (I know all of that is vague- but the details aren’t really important at the moment).
I keep feeling guilty for all these little little little things like:
- Buying froyo last night. You just said earlier you were on a spending freeze. You unnecessarily spent seven dollars on dessert. You didn’t need that extra added sugar. You had stuff you could have eaten at home if you were really hungry.
- Not stretching before going to sleep. Welp now your lower back is kind of out of whack and it’s probably because you didn’t take twenty minutes to stretch. You didn’t even fall asleep right away so you should have just stayed up and took the time to stretch. How stupid of you.
- [Insert a bajillion other “concerns” here]
Then to make matters worse, I accidentally drank too much coffee. How does a person do that you may ask? I got caught up talking to coworkers in the kitchen who were all drinking coffee and without even thinking about the cup I already drank, I just followed suit and drank more coffee. When I’m already kind of overtired and feeling anxious- more than one cup of coffee has the tendency to send me over the edge. Anddd bringing one more silly thing into my day to beat myself up about. Allison you’re so dumb. Why did you drink that coffee you idiot.
I thought that maybe a short run on my lunch break would satisfy my craving to be outside and the desire to run that I had felt this morning. And I was hoping it would make me feel better all around. We get an hour for lunch so its more than doable to get out there, get back, and have time to eat. Usually going for a quick lil jaunt does make me feel more at ease about life in general. SO I figured- why the hell not.
But my run didn’t really do anything for me today. I’m not going to lie- I slightly wanted to be able to come back from said run and be all “oMg GuYz~*~ there is nuthing that a good run can’t fix!” (because obviously that’s how I talk/type) but when I got back- I still felt relatively crappy. It definitely felt good to be out in the sun and to shake my body loose a little bit but mentally- nothing..
The whole time my headphones kept getting all tangled, the pandora app on my phone kept doing weird things (like switching playlists from my Nsync station to my Bruce Springsteen Christmas station… not the day pandora- not the day), and I swear to God- I hit every red light on my route. I was being all competitive with myself and questioning every move I made. I don’t regret going for a run at all. I’m just disappointed it didn’t perform a miracle and bring me peace for the rest of the afternoon.
I’m not just writing this post to whine and complain and rant. Okay maybe a little. Writing this out is already making me feel better. But I’m not writing this as a way to elicit sympathy. I swear. I’m in part writing this post as evidence that not everyday is perfect and I am certainly not perfect.
I’m trying to get over this hump day and move forward. I know deep down tomorrow is a new day. I’m trying to remind myself of this as hard as I possibly can.
I’m trying to remember how good I felt this weekend.
I’m trying to be kind to myself.
I’m trying not to doubt everything I’m doing.
I’m trying not to be so hard on myself.
I’m trying to not let this funk make me make bad decisions today.
I’m trying to remember all the positive things I do on a daily basis.
I’m trying to keep the mantra “live one day at a time” in mind.
Key word- trying. But hey- it’s better than not trying at all, right?
Keep it wicked healthy xoxo